02 August 2011

Baby Journey

And so it begins...
We are long awaiting your arrival baby. Well actually, we're long awaiting your conception.

 If only we knew, it would take you this long, we would have started so much earlier.

What some people take for granted, I long for. What cost some people nothing, costs me thousands. What some people regret, I wish I had. What irony I experience in this world.

It's funny because I think I would be a great mother. I was worried at first, whether or not I would be able to take care of a little one, how naive I was then.Of course I would. I have!

Sometimes I wonder: Did I do something so horrible to not deserve an easy route? Perhaps I did. I did so many, but then I look at others and they did even worst than I, and they got theirs?? What could I possibly have done that is so horrible that it's this complicated.

and then I remind myself that it's not about that. If I continue down that path then my world will be dark and gloomy.

Lately, I've been thinking, if we are not able to get pregnant, perhaps its a message from the universe that instead of being a mother/father to one/two children, we are suppose to be parents to many, hundreds perhaps.

One day, a thought just popped into my head, there was no preface or rhyme or reason for the thought, it just simply came across my mind. What happens to the little Hmong kids who are stuck in the court system because parents screwed up. When a parent or both parents are going through tough legal times their children are put into temporary foster care homes until the court system can decide to give them back to their parents, or give them to a family member. During those few days, sometimes weeks, they stay in homes or group homes that are completely foreign to them.

It melts my heart just thinking about it.

I wonder if our calling is to provide a safe haven for those Hmong kids. I would do that in a heart beat, I would take them in. Cook them Hmong food that they're familiar with, speak the language that they're familiar with, and give them the unconditional love that they deserve, help explain to them that what is happening is not their fault and that they'll be OK. Maybe even been a role model for them one day, we don't have everything and we're not the richest people in the world but we're doing alright and if they haven't ever met anyone like us then they don't even know that this could be a reality for them one day. I remember the moment that was my eye opening possibility of what my life could look like. It was so long ago, I'm not sure if it was a dream or a reality.

I was at some after school program when I was in middle school. There was this Hmong woman who mentored young Hmong girls like myself. I went with a group of other girls to her house for a mentoring meeting. We toured her house, she had a CLEAN beautiful house with Hmong decorations, not the tasteless kind that we see at most Hmong houses but the really nice, professional looking kind, as if she framed it herself. It only took one night and a matter of a few seconds and now, 15+ years later, that image is etched into my head and I envision that for my home.

Could I be that for someone? I would jump to that opportunity in a heart beat.

It's not to say I can only have one and not the other, I could still bear children and be a foster care home in the future when all my kiddos are grown. I have to remind myself that I don't have to trade one dream in or the other, both dreams can come to fruition.

So baby, here I wait patiently for you to choose me. I'm ready and want to be your mother.

1 comment:

Maria said...

You are a beautiful and powerful woman. I am honored to be a part of your life. The world needs more people like you. With love.