27 June 2016


Liberating: to set free.

That is the best descriptive of my life this past year.

One year ago, I felt stuck. I felt suffocated. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt anger. I felt disappointment. I felt failed.

Today I feel liberated. Sometimes still lonely, still sad, sometimes angry, I'm sure I'll be disappointed but it all feels different when accompanied by liberation.

After many attempts to save my marriage, I decided a year ago that it was time to let it go. It is the best decision I could have made for myself and my little family. Everyday I am challenged by that question-- was this the best choice for your family? In the end, my answer is always the same, yes. No one said it was going to be easy. No one said it was going to be smooth. But it was what was needed.

That's the thing, I feel like I'm actually moving forward.

I feel like I'm taking deep breaths of fresh beautiful air! I'm no longer holding my breath feeling suffocated.

My life was suffocating me. Don't get me wrong, I will never regret my life choices. I was lucky to truly have loved someone, had a beautiful miracle of a child, and grew tremendously from all the lessons of life. But let me just say this, today I feel free.

I let go not because I no longer loved that person, I admit-- I might have loved them less-- but nonetheless I loved him enough to no longer hold him hostage in this failed arrangement of a marriage. I mostly let go of the idea of being married, it was not worth it, at ANY cost and especially not at the cost of my child.

The day I knew it was time to let go was after an argument-- full force screaming match-- I came upstairs to find my child scared and afraid of his surroundings. I was responsible for that. As much as I was trying to protect my child from danger, I was the one that was putting him right in the middle of what felt like a nightmare. That look on his face is engraved in my heart forever. I vowed that day, it would never happen again.

My child saved me.

Saved me from myself, saved me from my failed marriage, saved me from making the choice to stay and repeating the cycle for him, saved me from my suffocation. I couldn't love myself enough to walk away but I loved my child enough. I could not stand putting him through a life of misery and arguing parents... for what. To avoid the shame. To not fail. It was a sham, it was failing, who were we kidding. I can't pin point exactly when it began to malfunction but it had gone on unnoticed for so long that it was our normal. It was not until I was out of the marriage did I begin to see the toxicity. On both sides. Myself just as guilty as I blamed him all those years.

Finally I can see clearly. I spent so much time blaming him that I didn't realize how much I had also changed in the marriage. After the end of the marriage, I felt free. (You might be thinking I mean free from someone/my ex) but I mean free from being a person who I no longer recognized, someone who was not very nice, someone who didn't dream anymore, someone who was confused.

I'm slowly finding myself again. Recognizing myself everyday. Becoming who I want to be, who I know I should be.

My child freed me.

Today I have a zest for life. I have a vision. I am excited about the next stages in my life. I can see a future.

It has been liberating, happy anniversary to me!

This was written in 2014, unpublished. I just clicked publish. Here goes.

It's 3 years later and I stumble across my long lost blog again. As I'm reading through my old posts, I don't recognize that girl's voice. I'm almost convinced that someone has been logging in as me and posting these tweets and blogs.

Do you sometimes feel like you've lost who you were along the way in this journey we call life? I was reading my old tweets and blog and thought to myself... I like this girl, we would really get along. and then I remembered, hey that's me! Well 3 years ago MomOf1, I admire you. I admire your drive, I admire your honesty, I admire your kindness, I admire your gentle heart that thinks of others before yourself. I admire your dreamer thoughts.

The truth is, I've been on a lonesome journey. But reading my posts tonight is a great reminder of who I was--- am.

Written over 2 years ago in 2014, never published. Well I just clicked the publish button. I figure, might as well put it out in the world. See following post. :)

Those of you who follow. Or myself 3 years from now (reading this post again-- it really was you typing ;))

I am proud to say that, pertaining to my last post about waiting for my baby to choose me... I was chosen! On May 16, 2012 I was blessed with the most beautiful child that has ever entered this earth (really!!). My boy chose me to be his mother. I am the luckiest mommy in the world.

The journey of my prince was nothing short of a dramatic novel. It started with emotional roller coasters of ultrasounds and hormone shots daily for over 5 months. After much heartache and hopeful attempts I finally was ready to "implant". My eggs were finally at the required stage-- our chances were low, only one possibly two eggs were going to possibly be viable. and our sperm count was lower with less mobility. When we went in that afternoon for the artificial insemination our hearts were heavy. We were scared, not scared to be parents, but scared to fail. What if it didn't work. We wanted this so badly. We prayed-- to God, to our ancestors, the universe, our unborn child who was in heaven with God waiting to be mine. Yes, when I think about that, I picture in my head a long line of babies (somehow they are able to talk and communicate with God:) It's my fantasy image so anything can be possible) anyway... a  long line of babies waiting to pick their parents. God says to my Aiden: Ok my sweet child, you are next. As Aiden looks down on all the possibilities he sees my shining heart glowing, warm, wanting, waiting, drawing his attention. He say to God: Her. and points to me. Yes, thats exactly how it went down in my head.

I didn't know it then, but he did. He knew I was going to be his mama.

Two and a half years later, he is the joy of my life. He has taught me what love is.

02 August 2011

Baby Journey

And so it begins...
We are long awaiting your arrival baby. Well actually, we're long awaiting your conception.

 If only we knew, it would take you this long, we would have started so much earlier.

What some people take for granted, I long for. What cost some people nothing, costs me thousands. What some people regret, I wish I had. What irony I experience in this world.

It's funny because I think I would be a great mother. I was worried at first, whether or not I would be able to take care of a little one, how naive I was then.Of course I would. I have!

Sometimes I wonder: Did I do something so horrible to not deserve an easy route? Perhaps I did. I did so many, but then I look at others and they did even worst than I, and they got theirs?? What could I possibly have done that is so horrible that it's this complicated.

and then I remind myself that it's not about that. If I continue down that path then my world will be dark and gloomy.

Lately, I've been thinking, if we are not able to get pregnant, perhaps its a message from the universe that instead of being a mother/father to one/two children, we are suppose to be parents to many, hundreds perhaps.

One day, a thought just popped into my head, there was no preface or rhyme or reason for the thought, it just simply came across my mind. What happens to the little Hmong kids who are stuck in the court system because parents screwed up. When a parent or both parents are going through tough legal times their children are put into temporary foster care homes until the court system can decide to give them back to their parents, or give them to a family member. During those few days, sometimes weeks, they stay in homes or group homes that are completely foreign to them.

It melts my heart just thinking about it.

I wonder if our calling is to provide a safe haven for those Hmong kids. I would do that in a heart beat, I would take them in. Cook them Hmong food that they're familiar with, speak the language that they're familiar with, and give them the unconditional love that they deserve, help explain to them that what is happening is not their fault and that they'll be OK. Maybe even been a role model for them one day, we don't have everything and we're not the richest people in the world but we're doing alright and if they haven't ever met anyone like us then they don't even know that this could be a reality for them one day. I remember the moment that was my eye opening possibility of what my life could look like. It was so long ago, I'm not sure if it was a dream or a reality.

I was at some after school program when I was in middle school. There was this Hmong woman who mentored young Hmong girls like myself. I went with a group of other girls to her house for a mentoring meeting. We toured her house, she had a CLEAN beautiful house with Hmong decorations, not the tasteless kind that we see at most Hmong houses but the really nice, professional looking kind, as if she framed it herself. It only took one night and a matter of a few seconds and now, 15+ years later, that image is etched into my head and I envision that for my home.

Could I be that for someone? I would jump to that opportunity in a heart beat.

It's not to say I can only have one and not the other, I could still bear children and be a foster care home in the future when all my kiddos are grown. I have to remind myself that I don't have to trade one dream in or the other, both dreams can come to fruition.

So baby, here I wait patiently for you to choose me. I'm ready and want to be your mother.

23 September 2010

lack of motivation

I am really tired. Looking for some inspiration. Post what motivates you, pictures, quotes, etc.

14 September 2010

Proud to be a Millennial

If you are born between 1982-2000, you are a part of the Millennial generation. Why is it that we only hear about the negative attributes of our generation in the media? The media portrays us as these entitled, selfish, what’s-in-it-for-me, whiners whose parents over sheltered us and has yet to cut the cord. There are many people out there that perceive Millennials this way. Some Millennials are ashamed of being a Millennial because of this stigma.

Not me!

I’m one of those “proud to be a Millennial” kind of person. I mean, we have a lot to be proud of. Some other words that I would use to describe us are: global, conscientious, innovative, efficient, visionary, civic, entrepreneurial, cultural, and honest.

Did you know that our generation is:

-The most diverse generation ever existed. We don’t see color/race as an issue. We are no longer uncomfortable to be around those who do not look, think, and speak like us. In fact, we are very intrigued when it comes to learning new things about other cultures.

-The generation that actually gives a … about the environment. We know that our glaciers are melting, our water is getting polluted (the BP oil spill was not the first), our trees (that provide us oxygen) are being cut down in record numbers, our wastelands are toxic, and we’re not going to stand by and let that happen to us and the generations that come after us.

-We ask the question “how can we be more efficient in the work that we do professionally.” We think that it’s possible to be a successful achieving professional and still make time for our families and community. Our work doesn’t define us. We want to enjoy what we do, we want to put our passions to use, and we want to make sure that whatever it is that we do at work—“makes sense”. We may need a bit of guidance when we first start but we have ideas in our heads that are worth millions for corporations. We’re just waiting to be tapped. (Ex. A millennial at Cisco).

-We are the generation that will bring change into the workforce; we’re going to help shape the perception of work to have a more engaged, committed, and innovative workforce. (Ironically, opposite of what the media says we’ll do). We’re excited to switch out our executive chairs for balance balls. We’re excited to get rid of cube land and work in hip, industrial, open spaces.

Regardless of what generation you come from, Baby Boomers, Xers, or Millennials, we all would like more work life balance, time to give back to our communities, pay raises, meetings that don’t waste time, professional development, and flexibility in how we get our work done.

So what’s so bad about the changes that the Millennials will be bringing into the professional world?

So I ask you, which Millennial do you chose to be, one who denies their Millennial attribute or one who is proud of being a part of this unbelievably phenomenal generation? I choose the latter.

10 September 2010

Messages of the Universe

The Universe is definitely working it's magic!

So I was reading this random posting (originally posted over a month ago) from the Harvard Business Review, also commented in my last blog, and replied to a reader who was intrigued about my posting regarding Millennials.

Well the Millennial in me "Googled" who this person was. After reading a few blog posts he had I started to wonder, hey, this guy is definitely someone that I could learn from!

And then the magic:

The last blog posting I read from him leads me to Seth Godin and his posting about Passion and work! I love it! Check it out!

My favorite part "The future of labor isn't in less education, less OSHA and more power to the boss. The future of labor belongs to enlightened, passionate people on both sides of the plant, people who want to do work that matters."

BINGO. That's the key! Thanks Wes! Thanks Seth!

09 September 2010


Exerpts from my response to the Harvard Business Review question about mutual mentoring between a Boomer and a Millennial.

From the perspective of a millennial. We are hungry for mentorship, actually, I'd go as far as saying mentorship is a necessity when we enter the workforce. I say this due to the recent study of the development on the young minds of today's youth (Emerging Adulthood Theory, Jeffrey Arnett). When you provide a mentoring relationship for a millennial you are building some scaffolding that is crucial to their professional development. Let's face it, as much as I love being a Millennial, and I say this by no means to banter my generation, we are not in the same mind set as a 26 year old, 20 years ago. Those of you who are from generation x or boomer generation, I'm sure can see the difference. For those Millennials out there that don't agree, look at the TV series "Friends" during season one, Ross was 26 years old, married and lived on his own- paying for rent, Monica, who was even younger, was also living on her own, paying for rent. Rachel just got married (to Barry) and Phoebe had gone through some pretty traumatic life experiences. Ok, so it's TV and how real is that-- but think about it? How many Millennials do you know are paying for their own rent right now? I'm sure there are some, but I'll be honest in saying the majority of my friends still live with their parents.

Back to addressing how to engage in meaningful mentoring with a generation gap, the most important factor to getting the support and buy-in from both the Millennial and Boomer is to set the corporate culture that it is valued and looked highly upon when our Boomers and Millennials are mentoring each other. Once you set he stage (culture) to embrace these kinds of relationships, there's no hiding or pointing fingers, there's no pre-conceived expectations of what the relationship is suppose to look like, and lastly there is no resentment/shame for entering a mentoring relationship.

Once your culture embraces mentoring, everyone will want to be apart of it! ...

Read the rest of my response HERE.